My commitments are everything to me now, kind of whack.
Wow, I never knew anyone of higher authority than myself - a student, in the Department of Education would show such indecency and lack of modesty towards something so minor. Suspension? You've got to be joking! For smoking a cigarette at the shops that is more than 400 metres away from the school grounds, c'mon, you're kidding right? I'm disappointed in you school, it's not very nice. Seven words directed to AP & co. - F.U.C.K. Y.O.U. so hard right now.
I remember before school in 2009, Day Old Hate - City & Colour and Alone - Asher Roth was blaring in the morning before school with the only Stephy V. We both knew, although it was never said; to start the day off with genuine - genuine, relaxation and with zero worries. It felt good, felt utterly amazing actually. You don't understand, I miss you immensly but I see you every single day - maybe even every hour.
You know when you're a real low life; when you're grounded and are drinking alone. Just gazed over myself, I can get pretty low like that. But it's not as bad as it sounds because I'm not afraid of sounding like a complete loser. I want to be brave, I love reading, I appreciate art like no other, I want to be successful, I am scared of failure, I am pretty much scared of life, I'm scared of gaining weight, I have regular anxiety attacks, I want to be bold, I want to satisfy mum and dad with my outcomes in life, I don't ever want to grow old. But we can't have everything we want, right?
Natalia, today I remembered that when your daddy past away, you texted me exactly two minutes after you daddy had past away. That makes me feel so special in your world, man. I will never forget you, you can talk to me about anything. Whatever you please, I will never ever judge you and I just want you to know that I will always have your back. I trust you with my pockets man.
8th of May - Part I
- $180, sixteen children, birthday - our eligible excuse to get fucked up, ample cigarettes, vodka, Black Douglas ect. Doritos and soft drink, our verandah, nigger beats? SHE VOMITED ON MY BRICKS? NO WAY... LIKE I OWN THAT SHIT DOWN THERE, THEY ARE MY BRICKS. I REPRESENT THEM BRICKS DOWNSTAIRS.
'ILL CLEAN IT UP' NO YOU WONT. yeah i know...
The wonderful eight, of May. It was our magnificent birthday, our as in me and stephanie's 15th. We sung that 'happy birthday' tune to one another and had shots all round. It was great, Samuel's iPod playing some TFU and nigger beats. We exclaimed, 'NIGGERFAGGOT' numerous times.
- $180, sixteen children, birthday - our eligible excuse to get fucked up, ample cigarettes, vodka, Black Douglas ect. Doritos and soft drink, our verandah, nigger beats? SHE VOMITED ON MY BRICKS? NO WAY... LIKE I OWN THAT SHIT DOWN THERE, THEY ARE MY BRICKS. I REPRESENT THEM BRICKS DOWNSTAIRS.
'ILL CLEAN IT UP' NO YOU WONT. yeah i know...
The wonderful eight, of May. It was our magnificent birthday, our as in me and stephanie's 15th. We sung that 'happy birthday' tune to one another and had shots all round. It was great, Samuel's iPod playing some TFU and nigger beats. We exclaimed, 'NIGGERFAGGOT' numerous times.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE "Rooney, Stepha" V. DAWS
My big twin sister, that twelve minutes still doesn't count.
You're more than the best person ever right now, you are honestly, my bestfriend. I'm hoping for the best and wishing you luck in everything. Have the best day ever, get crunk, get drunk get fuckkkkkked up.
My big twin sister, that twelve minutes still doesn't count.
You're more than the best person ever right now, you are honestly, my bestfriend. I'm hoping for the best and wishing you luck in everything. Have the best day ever, get crunk, get drunk get fuckkkkkked up.
Sitting here with Natalia, she's telling me her humorous story about Stefan tricking her mum. This is good, good fun. The others have made their way down to the shops to purchase some cigarettes - disgusting habit. Talking about disgusting habits, I just had ashed my cigarette in the ash tray to the left. How ironic? I'd say so. We just chilling out to some gentle music, smoking a cigarette, you know? Saturday is my birthday, the day I was born. The big one five, coming my way. Poor Natalia, still a baby only just fourteen. Weekend will be good, I'm no longer grounded. Shit yes.
I said to myself that I would never forgive you, even in one hundred years. Anger despised me, I thought I'd never give in. Although, I'm not blaming myself for this it was you and me - together, ripping eachothers hair out, strand by strand. It was time for each of us to let go and that we did, with ease in fact. I forgive you and I just want to tell you everything. I don't know what it is inside me, but I now feel complacent when I tell you these things. You still got this special place in my heart, and I'm don't mean to make space for you nor am I avoiding doing so. It's just how it is, and I'm sorry but that's how it is going to be - forever.
Dad, I don't understand. I'm not angry at you, although the boy who I could easily call my bestest friend in the world, it's his birthday on Sunday. We're celebrating Saturday and you're forcing me to avoid my presence there. Yeah, it fucking hurts my heart, but you walked straight through that door, being an understanding man. You said, 'hi bree' and walked straight to your room. A split second later you walked back, through to the kitchen. You suddenly stopped, looked straight at me, getting my attention. You stated, 'Everybody makes mistakes, everybody fucks up' and pulled a faint, powerful smile. Whoever the fuck is reading this, I know it's unfair on myself to forgive him and myself, but those words - made me kind of happy? Comfortable, maybe? Dad you are the best man in the world and that's all there is to it.
I was listening to a song today it said, 'forgive your parents, you don't know when they will be gone forever'. To make it clear:
Dad; I forgive you, I love you. You're the best they can get.
I was listening to a song today it said, 'forgive your parents, you don't know when they will be gone forever'. To make it clear:
Dad; I forgive you, I love you. You're the best they can get.
'Are the unicorns still following you in silence or ... ?' 'I'm pretty sure they are, they're somewhere, they do exist you know? I'm not crazy. Why would someone just make up a horse with a horn?hat's just utter stupidity, no one in their right mind is that stupidSo I'm pretty darn sure they do exist, they're somewhere yet I still don't know where. And I'm a believer so I reckon they're following me, tip toeing behind me adequately. t's just logical.' I can't die on this mystery, not just yet anyway.
I asked Natalia, 'is your funeral song was, Forever Young?' She replied, a simple answer, 'yes' with a smiley face along with it. I said to her, 'it was playing on the radio when I got picked up from yours one night, and it was raining. It was a miserable night, right. Steph said unexpectedly, 'oh, this is Natalia's funeral song'. I swear I was teary. As soon as that guy finished one line after Steph had said that, I felt all these emotions I didn't want to feel. Natalia replied to my episode with this song, she asked why I got teary and I replied simply, 'it would just demolish me inside if you died'.
Thinking about funeral songs, debating daily in fact, well daily to a certain extent.
- Everybody's Free, Romeo + Juliet version.
- Like a Bird, Richard Clapton
- Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley
- Wolves, Creature Fear or Roslyn by Bon Iver
- With or without you by Hamish Cowan but without the back beat.
I want you; family and friends, to party. Not to celebrate my death, to celebrate my life and existance, I want you to show me what the fuck you people do best because after all, I chose you to be part of my life and I want you to leave me on a good note - Thank you, very much. But I'd also like a few tears here and there.
- Everybody's Free, Romeo + Juliet version.
- Like a Bird, Richard Clapton
- Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley
- Wolves, Creature Fear or Roslyn by Bon Iver
- With or without you by Hamish Cowan but without the back beat.
I want you; family and friends, to party. Not to celebrate my death, to celebrate my life and existance, I want you to show me what the fuck you people do best because after all, I chose you to be part of my life and I want you to leave me on a good note - Thank you, very much. But I'd also like a few tears here and there.
THE BARE NECESSITIES OF LIFE
First off, you need 1) Friends, to lend you a helping hand. So you don't feel alone all the time. 2) You need family, because someone always has to have their back it's like an unwritten law. 3) Food - Government health and safety regulations. 4) Water, for health and scientific needs. 5) Alcohol or weed for some peoples sake, you do need some artificial happiness. 6) Happiness, happiness to get you through the day. 7) You need hospitals, if you fall on your knee and you got no one to catch you or wipe up the blood rather it be you got no one near you, no one mentally or just somebody fucking hates blood, you got hospitals - they help. 8) Fire brigades, they are somewhat my unintentional heroes. 9) Fire - to spark up your cigarette. 10) Tobacco (papers & filters) for the fire so spark up the tobacco, to have an adequate sensation rush through your body. 11) Coffee - Turkish, Italian, Columbian, whatever. It's good with a cigarette and chocolate or just a morning wake up alert. 12) Memories, to get you through the day, you're nothing without memories. 13) Emotions - feelings. Can't get through anything without that. 14) Thankfulness - if you don't have that, you are a rude, ignorant bastard. 15) Forgiveness - Holding grudges is just a waste of time. 16) Wicked hats, pretty bras & underwear, vivid leggings, rocking beanies - life is nothing without awesome fashion. 17) Art - appreciation, I don't know where the fuck I'd be without art, no one would ever understand - ever. 19) Music, changes everything, you could say it makes to world evolve. 20) Love, I can't explain it. Everyone has their different definitions but when time doesn't exist, you're in love. Love really does conquer all.
First off, you need 1) Friends, to lend you a helping hand. So you don't feel alone all the time. 2) You need family, because someone always has to have their back it's like an unwritten law. 3) Food - Government health and safety regulations. 4) Water, for health and scientific needs. 5) Alcohol or weed for some peoples sake, you do need some artificial happiness. 6) Happiness, happiness to get you through the day. 7) You need hospitals, if you fall on your knee and you got no one to catch you or wipe up the blood rather it be you got no one near you, no one mentally or just somebody fucking hates blood, you got hospitals - they help. 8) Fire brigades, they are somewhat my unintentional heroes. 9) Fire - to spark up your cigarette. 10) Tobacco (papers & filters) for the fire so spark up the tobacco, to have an adequate sensation rush through your body. 11) Coffee - Turkish, Italian, Columbian, whatever. It's good with a cigarette and chocolate or just a morning wake up alert. 12) Memories, to get you through the day, you're nothing without memories. 13) Emotions - feelings. Can't get through anything without that. 14) Thankfulness - if you don't have that, you are a rude, ignorant bastard. 15) Forgiveness - Holding grudges is just a waste of time. 16) Wicked hats, pretty bras & underwear, vivid leggings, rocking beanies - life is nothing without awesome fashion. 17) Art - appreciation, I don't know where the fuck I'd be without art, no one would ever understand - ever. 19) Music, changes everything, you could say it makes to world evolve. 20) Love, I can't explain it. Everyone has their different definitions but when time doesn't exist, you're in love. Love really does conquer all.
This world, it's never going to change - ever. Take that into account and think about it. It will just differ to what we all do, not just one person. If a riot takes place, marching for example: racism, war or perhaps retardation discrimination. It is a group of unforgiving citizens determined to change the world.
We can't do that on our own, only our illegal tribe can do so.
Take that fuckerrrrrrrrs
We can't do that on our own, only our illegal tribe can do so.
Take that fuckerrrrrrrrs
I just caught myself out. I'll tell you how - you said wassuup? I didn't know what to say because to be honest, I don't know what the fuck is going on. I widened my eyes slightly, as the colours in my frame I was unintentionally staring at, blended together as if they had belonged there. I thought about us. Me and you, sunrise until sunset - forever and ever. I am overwhelmed with the feeling of love, I don't feel threatened here. I'm daydreaming although the sun has set and the sky is black. My last thought killed by anticipation of the next, I replied: 'not much hey'. You wouldn't even know what the fuck I feel for you right now, I would take a bullet to the head. Okay, maybe not but what I am implying is that, you are my world.
Hey you mister: not nice to push me around.
Right, so this weekend. Natalias birthday - fantastic! Melbourne Central and lunch with Natalia, Carl, Steph, Monique, Riley, Olivia, Tia and myself. Natalia, that sexy hunk of junk got her belly pierced without her own mothers consent, oh my goodness can you believe that? She's a fucking bad ass, as I would say. I bought this amazing $13 hat with Riley, well Riley bought it so thank you Riley. As we made our way on Melbourne Metro Train Servies - Craigieburn line in fact we arrived at Oak Park and took a stroll down Waterloo Road to finally uphold Natalia's abode to get ready for our Taco Bill night. Fish bowl margaritas anyone? Yep, that's right and I happen to have gotten a sombrero for that. This is like a crazy hat weekend? Shit, I need more of these. Enough of my weekend, to conclude this post. I'm confused with love, enough said.
Right, so this weekend. Natalias birthday - fantastic! Melbourne Central and lunch with Natalia, Carl, Steph, Monique, Riley, Olivia, Tia and myself. Natalia, that sexy hunk of junk got her belly pierced without her own mothers consent, oh my goodness can you believe that? She's a fucking bad ass, as I would say. I bought this amazing $13 hat with Riley, well Riley bought it so thank you Riley. As we made our way on Melbourne Metro Train Servies - Craigieburn line in fact we arrived at Oak Park and took a stroll down Waterloo Road to finally uphold Natalia's abode to get ready for our Taco Bill night. Fish bowl margaritas anyone? Yep, that's right and I happen to have gotten a sombrero for that. This is like a crazy hat weekend? Shit, I need more of these. Enough of my weekend, to conclude this post. I'm confused with love, enough said.
Was there a life after death? This was another question you were blissfully unaware of.
The thought of dying came into your mind. The same thing happened the other way around: only by conjuring up an intense feeling of one day being dead could you appreciate how terribly good it was to be alive. It was like two sides of a coin that you kept turning over and over. And the bigger and clearer one side of the coin became, the bigger and clearer the other side became too.
You can't experience being alive without realising that you have to die. It's just as impossible to realize you have to die without thinking how incredibly amazing it is to be alive.
I never realised how rich life was until now. How tragic that most people had to get ill before they understood the gift to be alive!
The thought of dying came into your mind. The same thing happened the other way around: only by conjuring up an intense feeling of one day being dead could you appreciate how terribly good it was to be alive. It was like two sides of a coin that you kept turning over and over. And the bigger and clearer one side of the coin became, the bigger and clearer the other side became too.
You can't experience being alive without realising that you have to die. It's just as impossible to realize you have to die without thinking how incredibly amazing it is to be alive.
I never realised how rich life was until now. How tragic that most people had to get ill before they understood the gift to be alive!
This is too fucked, I am so happy. My sister is in oblivion - she thinks she's in love. My sister told me something had passed, something that is too big to ask her if she's alright. She's lost like a child in Myer Store. I don't know what to do, these two grave feelings are taking over them. I'm only confused because I care about them. I don't want to feel doubt in them. This is just all too much, God save me.
I am me, someone who finds the beauty of one note in music. Someone who hates tuesdays. I am someone who has a different music taste towards all my closest friends, but I am someone that doesn't care because I like it. I am someone who is not afraid of the world. I am someone that doesn't cry when people die, it's not insensitivity just pure oblivion. I am someone who adores art, lots of art like no other. I'm fourteen and my love of art levels up to maturity, work it out. I am someone that always puts their mind to things. I am someone to hate things. I am someone to love things. I am a confused, fourteen year old that doesn't even know what the fuck is going on, but I love it and it's unbelievable.
Oh my God, Natty Blair, you make me pull an outrageous smile not in literal terms. I mean that when I read your blog on my delicious mobile handset on the tram, my lips rise slightly and grow into an incredible heartfelt smile. But I am not wasting my credit to say how much I love you, I am wasting my credit to say how much I love you even more when I read your blog. You make me gentle, thank you Natty Blair x
We wanna go somewhere else. We're not threatened by people anymore. All our insecurities have evaporated. We're in the clouds now. We're wide open. We're spacemen orbiting the earth. The world looks beautiful from here, man. We're nympholeptics, desiring for the unobtainable. We risk sanity for moments of temporary enlightenment. So many ideas. So little memory. The last thought killed by anticipation of the next. We embrace an overwhelming feeling of love. We flow in unison. We're together. I wish this was real. We want a universal level of togetherness, where we're comfortable with everyone. We're in rhythm. Part of a movement. A movement to escape. We wave goodbye. Ultimately, we just want to be happy. Heh, yeah, hang on, what the fuck was I just talking about?
"The weekend has landed. All that exists now is clubs, drugs, pubs and parties. I've got 48 hours off from the world, man. I'm gonna blow steam out my head like a screaming kettle, I'm gonna talk cod shit to strangers all night, I'm gonna lose the plot on the dancefloor. The free radicals inside me are freakin', man! Tonight I'm Jip Travolta, I'm Peter Popper, I'm going to never-never land with my chosen family, man. We're gonna get more spaced out than Neil Armstrong ever did, anything could happen tonight, you know? This could be the best night of my life. I've got 73 quid in my back burner - I'm gonna wax the lot, man! The Milky Bars are on me! Yeah! "
QUOTA HUMAN TRAFFIC.
QUOTA HUMAN TRAFFIC.
We - Monique, Steph and I were petrified but I wasn't my self, I was in hysterics. It had past the point of horrifying to all I could was laugh and discover the humour in this irrational chapter. Hearing things can be exciting. Grab the butcher knife and the knife sharper, 'I AM WOLVERINE' I exclaimed waiting at the highest pinnacle of the staircase for the unknown to uncover themself. Maybe it was more than one person? I still don't know, and I couldn't care at all to be honest because it was so fucking funny, that I couldn't do anything but laugh and be happy. I realised that night, that when I've either been spiked or just genuinely happy all I want to do is draw surrealisically all over my walls and write. I was also, unusually motivated to read books and books. This was strange. But I was so happy.
Paragraph - Sentimental issues. Part one, section A.
Right now, this very second. Feeling enclosure, love, happiness, stress, sadness. When I found out you liked me, 'loved me' or love me. Whatever is current in your big heart of gold right now, a little bit of me died inside. When I say that, I picture: my heart, a particular section for your information, a thirtieth in fact. I can see it decending into a smaller area. I see it slowly turning black and grey and has become very delicate, very fragile. You don't understand, the feelings I have for you actually make me afraid of it - yeah 'love'. Notice the quotation marks? It means that I don't even know and I probably never will, knowing my doubtful self. I have taken your word, brought it in me - boy this was stupid.
I hate reality, I just want to dream.
Right now, this very second. Feeling enclosure, love, happiness, stress, sadness. When I found out you liked me, 'loved me' or love me. Whatever is current in your big heart of gold right now, a little bit of me died inside. When I say that, I picture: my heart, a particular section for your information, a thirtieth in fact. I can see it decending into a smaller area. I see it slowly turning black and grey and has become very delicate, very fragile. You don't understand, the feelings I have for you actually make me afraid of it - yeah 'love'. Notice the quotation marks? It means that I don't even know and I probably never will, knowing my doubtful self. I have taken your word, brought it in me - boy this was stupid.
I hate reality, I just want to dream.
You make me feel like I am the one in the world, like there is no other for you. You make me think that I am the one you've ever loved most. Don't ever frown, you're my bestfriend though I don't feel the way you do about me. Sad isn't it? I feel as if so and the repelling fear against our friendship dying like a flower in the bare desert. It's still warm when you're away, but you tell me. Are you cold when I'm away? This shit is crazy, wild. I don't know what overcomes this, but you, this is inexplicable, disatrous in fact. Tell me these things, you make me happy, you're my best friend. I don't like the thought of you having this outrageous feelings for myself. I can't help it, but only if I could. Incredible young love, I am so distressed. You make me feel guilty, thanks so much. I am so, utterly apologetic. You don't understand.
It was 12 o'clock before I realised I was having no fun. Unfortunately I have the key to escape reality. I sat down in my closet in my overalls to escape all the ears in my walls. I pretended that the police heard all my thoughts. I pulled an illegal smile. I chased a rainbow down a one way street, dead end. And then all my friends turned out to be insurance salesmen.
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My answer: 'You know they just are, the next day you'll be filled with joy and excitement thinking it is the best day ever and before you know, it's gone - birthday over. It's something that gets you so worked up and after about 15 hours, just depends how long you're awake, aware for your birthday. After that fifteen hours, it's all over. It just shuts you down it leaves you and then you gotta wait for another 365 days to pass, just for that to happen to you again.
and the whole getting older fact, no one ever wants to grow up, do they?'